First of all I would like to say sorry for being so absent in the blogging world lately. Life has a way of taking some random twists and turns and then before you know it it feels like you’re slowly crawling out of a deep, dark cave and you have no idea how you got down there in the first place!
My heart is sad and it now holds a memory of a baby I will not meet on earth. On June 4, 2013 my husband and I went to an ultrasound appointment that we thought would be our first glimpse at our fourth miracle baby. To make it simple, at 13 weeks along our baby only measured 8 weeks and had no heartbeat. I think the most difficult thing to accept was that our baby had been gone for 5 weeks already and I had no clue. I still had awful nausea and was very tired most of the day…all normal pregnancy symptoms to be expected during the first trimester. After having 2 ultrasound techs and the radiologist and my husband looking at the ultrasound I was confident that what they were telling me was true and our doctor also confirmed it with us later that day. After a failed attempt to make my body start the miscarriage process on its own, I was sent to have day surgery to have my baby removed.
June 11, 2013 our sweet baby was taken from me even though I knew he/she was already gone. I think this was one of the hardest parts of the whole miscarriage process…to know that a baby had left my body, but I would never get to see their precious face or kiss their sweet lips or hold their small body against my own. There is an emptiness that cannot be explained unless it’s something you have experienced for yourself.
BUT….God is good. God is faithful. God provides. God is compassionate. He was there with us through the whole thing. The night that I found out that our baby had no heartbeat I was looking through my oldest daughters backpack from preschool and I found her memory verse for the month of May stuffed inside. At a really dark and sad moment the Lord gave me just what I needed…
“I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken for He is right beside me. No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety.” Psalm 16:8-9
So even through the heartache, loss and sadness I feel peace, comfort and strength. I am still amazed at what wonderful people we have surrounding our family. God provided us with loving and caring friends who brought food, watched our kids during doctor appointments and my surgery, upheld us in prayer…friends who were a shoulder to cry on, to lend a listening ear and a caring heart, friends who knew EXACTLY how we were feeling because they had been through it too. He even blessed my husband with a new job after he had been laid off for over two months. I am overwhelmed at His goodness in our lives even during one of the darkest times we have endured so far!
I was reading my Bible a few days ago and would like to share with you the verses that I will proclaim again and again…even in the hardest times.
“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again; Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4-7
“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19
And so it is with hope and the confidence that I have in Jesus Christ I know that one day I will get to hold my precious little one in my arms. I know that my babe is safe and loved by our Heavenly Father and that alone will carry me through all of the sadness and heartache that I will feel for a little while. My heart holds a memory, but it also holds a wonderful anticipation for Heaven…more now than ever before.
My Heart to Yours 